The Helper

I once shopped at a local grocery store called Cub Foods.  You are required to pack your own groceries there, which I’ve always hated and because the counters are so high, it’s very hard for me to do.  Regardless, we still need to eat so I venture to Cub with my three year old in tow.  I stuff my cart of groceries, grudge to the checkouts, and wait to be scanned.   By this point, I’m tired, sweaty, and so glad to be almost done.  My daughter, with that ever loving loud and energetic mouth of hers, begins inviting everyone in the checkout line to our house for dinner.  Uhg.  Inside, I’m saying “zip it, kid” but outward, I’m smiling like she’s adorable and don’t we all just love her.  Grocery shopping was never a fun event in my week, but I could do it and it was a conquering every time I did.  

I whip my groceries on the belt knowing in a couple seconds, I’ll be whipping them in bags and BACK into my cart.  Of course, following this, I look forward to hauling them out to my car and unpacking them once again.  It truly was exhausting.  I chalked it up as my workout for the day. Done.  The gal in front of me was just finishing her packing when she loudly asks me, so loud, she startlingly grabs the attention of my three year old who was engaged in her own world, singing some song from The Lion King, “Would you like me to help you pack your groceries?”  With a sigh of relief, I say, “Wow.  That would be so nice.  Thank you.”  To which she astoundingly, and still very loudly, responded, “Oh good.  I do one good deed a day and if I do this, I can have it done early.” Not kidding. That’s what I heard, but I still can’t help but think, “Really?!  What did she just say?”  I look at the register girl and she’s gawking surprise at this “helpful” lady too, and I think, “Yep.  She said what I think she said.”  Now, if you just gasped or made any sort of un-approving sound, thank you!  You have just validated my reactions perfectly!  Pure shock.

Now, I, in a rapid fire thought process, move through all five stages of grief in less than 30 seconds.   Denial – Remember my stunned glance at the register gal?  Her own slack jaw confirmed what I heard.  She just said that?  People don’t truly treat each other like this, do they?  Wow….  Anger – Oh, seriously, lady.  That was RUDE!  This is how you treat fellow humans trying to do their best with their day?? BE NICE!  Bargaining– Here, I’ll do it myself.  I’m worth it.  I’m worth helping.  Here, let me prove it to you… almost like a desperate cry for acceptance.  Depression – I’m worthless.  Look, I’m just part of her checklist… that’s all.  She doesn’t really care.  I simply fulfill an obligation for her.  My place of unimportance makes me truly sad.  And lastly, acceptance – I resign… whatever.  She’s helping me pack my groceries and this is truly helpful, even if her attitude doesn’t show love.  I am exhausted and will accept her offer of help and get out of here.  I swallowed any bit of pride I had at my almost accomplished job and moved forward.

Checklist Girl proceeds to pack my groceries, with the shocked fellow shoppers watching and me covered in embarrassment.  My only resolve is that most every face I connected with that morning was on my side.  Checklist Girl was wrong in her announcement of her good deed done.  But this feeling of being someone’s “duty” never left me.  I couldn’t let it go.  Why would anyone want to make somebody else feel like a problem?  Like an issue she can fix and then move about her day justified by her act of kindness?  I’m not an issue.  I’m a person.  I’m not needy or helpless.  I am short.  I have value and am worth spending time on.  Sure, life looks different from my point of view and most everything is hard and more time-consuming, but I’m doing this.  I’m doing life, the way I can.  Why say something to me that’s going to shout to the world “Yep.  She needs help.  She’s needy”.  

I NEVER want to see someone else as needy or as destitute or less than I am.  I want to serve them because they are a creation.  They are a treasure.  They are loved… Despite what they look like or even if they can comprehend the love I give them.  They are a treasure with families who love them and a God who created them.  I help them because I recognize them as valuable.  I value who they are and want to encourage who they are.  People are amazing!

Please let me clarify…. I LOVE help.  I adore those who hold open a door or move something out of my way or grab something high I can’t reach.  It’s so wonderful when someone asks to help me, and rarely do I decline.  I also do not have a problem asking for help.  Let’s face it; able-bodied people can do things faster, smoother, and higher than I.  I will use that strength if I need to.  I am a realist.  I do not feel “needy” because I ask and people help. 

I feel needy when I am pitied: when someone feels sorry for me but holds no compassion in that sorrow.  Compassion brings relation, perspective.  Please don’t feel sorry for me. That gets no one anywhere and that, too, negates my being.  My worth.  Compassion, however, supports who I am and what I’m trying to do.   But if you just feel sorry for me, what am I suppose to do with that?  How am I to respond?  By being sad?  I don’t want to be sad.  I want to conquer.  I want to accomplish.  I want to BE the value that I AM.  Checklist Girl pitied me.  She announced to the store that I needed help and she was swooping in to save the day.  Her checklist was nagging at her brain.  I must have looked like a good candidate to fill her need.  She wasn’t quiet.  She wasn’t respectful.  She was loud and obnoxious… at my expense.  It was all about her.  Not me.  ‘Glad I could help ya, ma’am.  You are very welcome.  Now, let me quietly slink back into my shell and recover some shard of dignity.’  She clearly did not care about me or, really, even about helping.  She cared about getting her chores done for the day.  That’s all.

If you ask me for an example of humiliation, this is in the top three.  This treating others with a selfish motive is imprinted on my brain.  The ability one human has on another to make them feel insignificant… with one short statement and a body of attitude.  If she was compiling her good deeds for some crown of jewels as she was hinting to, this one will not count. She had received her reward the second she declared it to the store that she was helping.  And she diminished a creation at that same second.  

There is way too much diminishing and not enough building.  Let’s turn the tide.  Encourage, equip, love.  It’s really very simple.  Life is not a game and there are not winners .  So, why do we compete and compare to death?  We’re all going to die.  We all have about 90 years.  What will we leave behind?  What are we building for our eternity?  How will people remember you?  These are the questions that count, that will be talked about to your grandkids on down.  Love God, love others.  It’s all really very simple.