Note to Self

Note to Self

Considering. I spend way too much time considering. Considering the unfairness of life. Considering the influence I could have if I just did. Considering the vulnerability of letting my fears go. Considering all of the crazy things that can go wrong with my body. Considering my life is more than half over. Considering whether or not I completely messed up my innocent kids. These are my big "considerings". I'm not including what I'm making for dinner, or what I should add to my winter wardrobe, or how the furniture should be arranged. I still consider but these things are trivial to me. I don't have space in my brain to even hesitate over these things.

I drive myself crazy thinking, thinking, thinking. Stinking thinking. Where can considering get me? A careful, thought out plan of execution? Maybe. Crazy town? More likely. I can only control so much. My considering morphs into worry - almost every single time. What then? Anxiousness. Anxiousness over things that might be begin to drum all too real. STOP. Go back to the beginning. I know so little for certain. Work with that. No speculation. Facts and limited probabilities. Work with only that. I am only responsible for right now. Present tense. I cannot forecast nor can I adjust a past story. My considering does not create control. It is only unproductive cost. To me.

I also have no right to tomorrow. Present. I only have this current experience. Experience that will create mistakes or résumés. Experience that adds up to existing. Consciously, intentionally, acceptance, dreams, regrets. It's all in the existing. But tomorrow can only be allowed limited considering because tomorrow may not be offered.  But today. Today I have. Right this moment, I have.

Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? Or a version of it? This unbalanced mind, desperate for stable thinking, quiet yet unnervingly unsettled, second guessing, joy seeking, truth revealing, what in the world am I doing space? This is where I'm living. I'm pretty sure this is why people drink wine. Take me away. Rest. Calm. Live this moment. No regrets, no anxious tomorrow. I like wine. Wine is good.

"Good night" is my exasperated saying when I'm annoyed as if that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. Or when someone does something stupid, I'll say "good night" and add an exaggerated eye roll to it. That's my passive aggressive way of saying something without saying anything. I say "good night" instead of "good grief" because my kids hate it. "It doesn't make sense" they say.  Well, what does?! This LIFE doesn't make sense. Good night. Good night. Good night. Moving on.... Get a grip, Jill.

I'm going to choose to grab hold my wild thoughts of existence - absorbing and cleansing and wearing what is true, what is honorable, what is just, what is pure, what is lovely, what is commendable, what is excellent, what is worthy of praise. Now, this is a lot to consider. This will not fashion frayed nerves. This can be my wine in words. True. Honorable. Just. Pure. Lovely. Commendable. Excellent. Praiseworthy.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Considering is a choice. And I will not worry by default because I'm not intentionally choosing. That, in itself, is a choice. And life is not all sunshine and rainbows so then there's this:

James 1:2-4 "Consider (ponder, think thoughtfully) it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials (various trials - those things that come from the outside, those circumstances), ..... CHOOSE to consider it joy- of many kinds, because you know (by way of experience) that the testing (trial - do I whine - or wine... haha! - or grow) of your faith produces perseverance (steadfastness, patience). Let perseverance finish its work, so that you may be mature (what is my character?) and complete (whole), not lacking anything." Purpose.

For whatever reason, I'm breathing and moving. What will I allow my mind to consider? How do I see this day? I will choose my considering.